The Pancake war
by dahellraider
Summary: A Dialog series i did on BSN forums between Ashley and M/shepard. Adding it here for more to see.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything Bioware has done. And make no profit in my work.**

**The Pancake war dialog series I did on the BSN forums In the Ashley thread. I thought I add it here for more to see.**

* * *

Part 1

**Shepard**: Hay ash  
**Ashley: **what's up skipper  
**Shepard**: what's for dinner  
**Ashley:** do i look like a house wife to you John  
**Shepard;** Well you are my wife, and this is our house  
**Ashley:** Your point  
**Shepard:** my point is I'm starving ***stomach makes hungry sounds***  
**Ashley:** Make your own food lazy  
**Shepard**: Fine...I will  
**Goes into the kitchen to cook **  
**Ashley**: What in god's name are you doing, trying to burn the house down.  
**Shepard:** you told me to make my own food  
**Ashley**: and you're doing a horrible job at that, here let me take over ***pushes shepard away to make food***  
**Shepards thoughts:** My plan worked perfectly  
**Few minutes later **  
**Shepard:** what a minute ash...what are you making.  
**Ashley**: Pancakes of course  
**Shepard**: Jesus woman not again.  
**Ashley**: if you know what's best john, you won't say another word.  
**Shepard Leaves Kitchen and comes back in another 10 minutes  
Shepard: **Ash, where is the pancakes  
**Ashely: **I ate them of course

* * *

Part 2

**The next morning, Ashley walks into the dining room**  
**Ashley: **what's this john  
**Ashley says seeing two plates on each side of the table, both with a lid on top covering something. Shepard:** its Breakfast of course, one set for you right here ***Pulls out chair for ashley*** and one for me ***points to his***  
**Ashley:** you don't cook john  
**Shepaard**: Who said anything about cooking  
**Ashley:** what are you talking about, you have it right here ***opens lid to reveal nothing***  
**Shepard**: you see that ash?  
**Ashely:** i don't see anything  
**Sehpard:** Exactly  
**Ashley**: I don't see what you're getting at John  
**Shepard**: There's no breakfast, FOR YOU ***opens his own lid to reveal a stack of pancakes***  
**Ashley**: you did not cook that  
**Shepard**: I never said i did  
**Ashley: **Than who skipper?  
**Hannah**: I did of course ***shepard's mom said, While entering the room***  
**Ashley**: Hannah, what are you doing here.  
**Hannah**: someone didn't cook for my boy, so i had to come over  
**Ashley:** John you're lucky your mom's standing in this room  
**Shepard**: And why is that love?  
**Ashley**: let's just say, someone is going to need another lazarus project, when I'm done with you.

* * *

Part 3

**Shepard** **and Ashley in bed at night**  
**Shepard:** hay ash  
**Ashley:** yeah  
**Shepard**: I think we need to stop this pancake war  
**Ashley:** why john, you worry I'm going to punish you again ***Giggles***  
**Shepard:** No, but i have to emit. That was probably the best punishment ever.  
**Ashley:** your damn right it was skipper.  
**Shepard;** So for the sake of our marriage, no more pancake pranks.  
**Ashley**: agreed ***Is lying* **  
**Shepard:** I mean it ash  
**Ashley: **Don't worry john, no more i get it.  
**Shepard; **Good, now let's go another round  
**Ashley: **Not now skipp, I have to get up early  
**Shepard:** okay then...wait why you have to get up early.  
**Ashley: **Don't worry about it, now go to sleep  
**Shepard:** fine then  
**The next morning, Shepard wakes alone. He then heads down stairs, as he hears talking.**  
**Shepard:** hay ash what are yo...Lynn what are you doing here.  
**Lynn:** what i can't visit my sister john.  
**Ashley:** You're up early  
**Shepard:** yeah well...I was kind of hungry, so i thought I make me something.  
**Ashley:** No need skipper, already taken care of  
**Lynn:** yup, we made breakfast. There's still some left on the table.  
**Shepard gives them a nod, as he heads into the dining room to reveal what he said he never wanted to see again.**  
**Shepard: **ASH!  
**Ashley:** what's with all the yelling John** *she says, as her and Lynn both come inside the room***  
**Shepard:** I thought we agreed on this.  
**Ashley:** We did.  
**Shepard:** then what do you call that, those are pancakes.  
**Lynn:** I made them john, I'm sorry if I offended.  
**Sheaprd:** oh, well then. I guess I'm sorry.  
**Ashley**: its okay skipper, now please eat.  
**Shepaard seats on the table, about to take a mouth full, when he then noticed both ashley and Lynn had the weirdest look on their faces.**  
**Shepard:** what is it?  
**Ashley and Lynn: **Nothing ***they both said together like the sisters they were***  
**Shepard gives an investigating look on the pancakes.**  
**Ashley:** John, your being rude. Now eat them.  
**Shepard:** I'm...I'm not sure if i should.  
**Lynn:** well now, if you don't like my cooking than...  
**Shepard:** No no no nothing like that ***he said cutting her off***.  
**Ashley:** than eat it.  
**Shepard finally gives in taking a few bits, it tasted different, but still like pancakes.**  
**Ashley and lynn both laugh**  
**Shepard: **WHAT!  
**Ashley:** Nothing john.  
**Lynn:** yeah please, don't let us interrupt your meal.  
**Shepard tries to take another few bites, but stops at the sound of there laughter again.**  
**Shepard: **Ashley madeline Shepard! What did you do to these pancakes?  
**Ashley:** don't worry skipper, you will find out in about oh** *looks at her watch*** six hours.  
**Lynn: **sorry john, you can't beat a Williams.  
**Shepard:** but, she's a shepard now.  
**Ashley: **I'll always be a Williams, especially when I'm teamed with any of my sisters that is.  
**Shepard:** you do realize this means war Ash.  
**Ashley: **wouldn't have it any other way skipper.

* * *

**Part 4**

**Shepard and joker hanging out**  
**Joker: **that's horrible, you can't do that.  
**Shepard: **She gave me food poisoning joker, FOOD POISONING!  
**Joker:** Still, she's still a woman shepard. You know she will kill you.  
**Shepard:** If I don't make it back tell...  
**Joker:** Your mom and friends you love them?  
**Shepard:** No tell Garrus, how come he never finished those calibrations.  
**Joker**: that's a question shepard, and how will he answer when you're dead.  
**Shepard:** he can tell me at my grave.  
**Joker:** sounds good, I should be heading out. Let me know how things go.  
**Shepard: **oh I will, don't worry I will.  
** A few days later **  
**Ashley: **Oh, come on John. I said I was sorry.  
**Shepard**: I was sick for two days ash.  
**Ashley:**I wouldn't have really put you in harm, you know that.  
**Shepard:** I HAD THE WORST STOMACHACHE EVER!  
**Ashley**: No need to raise your voice at me.  
**Shepard:** what did you put in those pancakes anyway?  
**Ashley:** skipper some things are better left unknown.  
**Shepard:** you just don't want me to pull the same trick on you.  
**Ashley: **I know you would never do something like that.  
**Shepard:** do you now.  
**Ashley:** yes, because if you did, you would be sleeping alone for a very long time.  
**Shepard:** well than should we eat, I finally learned some cooking ***comes out of kitchen with food***  
**Ashley: **John, are those pancakes.  
**Shepard: **Huh, yes i guess they are.  
**Ashley:** Do i look stupid to you.  
**Shepard:** Oh, C'mon I wouldn't do something like that.  
A**shley Grins towards shepard **  
**Shepard:** hear, I'll take a bite myself ***takes a mouthful of pancake*** You see.  
**Ashley: **how do I know you aren't immune to whatever you're giving me.  
**Shepard:** ASH!  
**Ashley: **fine skipper, but if something happens, your dead John.  
**Shepard: **you mean like that punishment you gave me last time. ***Laughs***  
**Ashely:** I mean it.  
**Shepard: **I swear on my mother, there is nothing bad in these pancakes.  
**Ashley:** fine, now where's the syrup.  
**Shepard:** were out, sorry.  
**Ashley:** your lying, i picked up some last week ***looks in pantry* **Huh i guess we are out.  
**Shepard:** I know it's weird. ***gives an evil smirk, while Ashely isn't looking* **  
**Ashley**: Oh well, Now let's eat.  
**Shepard:** lets.  
T**hey continued their meal, later that day Ashley in the bathroom**  
Ashley after taking a shower, is about to wash her hair. She grabs her favorite shampoo and pours it all over her hair. Something felt different. The shampoo was all sticky.  
**Ashley:** SHEPARD! *** She yelled so loud, the whole neighborhood could hear***  
**Shepard: **Crap, if she is calling me by shepard. That means i really am dead.  
** Shepard said, as he ran outside the house.**

* * *

**Part 5**

**Shepard was running through the neighborhood, with Ashley in tow.**  
**Shepard:** Damn ash, You need to run faster than that ***yelling behind him***  
**Ashley:** I'll kill you.  
**Shepard:** sure you will, just don't touch me with your hair. ***Giving an evil smirk, as he ran faster***  
Shepard stopped, as he heard a gunshot. Looking behind him he couldn't believe his eyes. Ash was really trying to kill him.  
**Shepard:** what the hell are you doing?  
**Ashley:** I told you I kill you John!  
**Shepard:**But...***everything than went black***  
**Ashley:** Shepard! Shepard wake up.  
**Shepard:** Huh? ahhh my head, what happened?  
**Ashley:** I yelled at you for what you thing I remember I saw you on your back in the street.  
**Shepard:** what, how did that happen?  
**Ashley:** I don't know dumdum, maybe because of all the ice in the street.  
**Shepard:** what Ice?  
**Ashley:** Really, how bad did you hit your head skipper? Its winter.  
**Shepard:** Well, it does hurt ***Shepard motioned his hand on his head*** why is my hair all...  
**Ashley:** Payback sucks, doesn't it?  
**Shepard:** damn ash, how much syrup did you put in my hair?  
**Ashley:** Um all of it I think.  
**Shepard:**But I don't have nearly as much hair as you ash.  
**Ashley:** I know I really had to rub it around** *Giggles***  
**Shepard:** Laugh it up than.  
**Ashley:** But seriously we need to stop this.  
**Shepard:** But ash, things are just starting to get good.  
**Ashley:** Don't Ash me. I saw you lying in the street; you nearly gave me a heart attack. You know that.  
**Shepard:** Yeah, good thing I have a hard head ***Laughs***  
**Ashley:** i mean it Shepard, this thing is over, At least for now.  
**Shepard:** What's that suppose to mean.  
**Ashley:** What, you think I'm going to forget about this ***Rubes her hand all over her hair*** Do you know How long it's going to take, to get all this stickiness out of my hair.  
**Shepard:** What about me, you pour the rest of the syrup in my hair.  
**Ashley:** Like you have any hair skipper, you can just shave it all off.  
**Shepard:** What, Like you can't shave your own hair off too.  
**Ashley:** And go for one of Jack's old styles, yeah I think not.  
**Shepard:** I don't know ash; her old hair style did kind of turn me...  
**Ashley:** finish that sentence, and your dead to me John.  
**Shepard:** Fine! a cease fire than.  
**Ashley:** I can go for that.  
**Shepard:** How will I know when this cease fire is over?  
**Ashley:** Oh don't worry skipper, you will know.  
**Shepard:** Alright than, now make me some pancakes.  
**Ashley:** Shepard!  
**Shepard:** what, getting that bump on the back of my head made me hungry.  
**Ashley just walked out of the bedroom**  
**Shepard:** Guess that means no pancakes. ***Laughing to himself***

**This is something I have been doing on the forums. If I do more Ill also update this.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I added another one to the forums, so I'm putting it here just like the others.  
**

**Part 6  
**

**Shepard entered his house, after a long day at work. He just sat in his couch turning the game on.**  
**Shepard:** Hay ash ***calling out in the next room***  
**Ashley:** need something John.  
**Shepard: **Yeah, can you grab me one of my new beers.  
**Ashley: **Okay, just don't ask me too cook also, like I said before. I'm not being a classic house wife.  
**Few moments latter Ashley came out of the kitchen.**  
**Ashley: **Long day skipper ***she said handing him his beer***  
**Shepard:** You can say that, never thought teaching kids would be worse than fighting reapers ***he said laughing* (shepard always wanted to teach, so he got a job at the local colony Junior High)**  
**Ashley**: Don't you miss the good old days skipper?  
**Shepard: **Oh yeah, because coming back from the dead, and nearly dying saving the galaxy was just the best of days ash.  
**Ashley:** well, when you put it that way then I guess not. so drink up  
**Shepard: **why don't you grab a beer yourself ash.  
**Ashley: **Because, I hate your taste John.  
**Shepard: **You kidding, you use to love this brand.  
**Ashley:** I have work in the morning remember. You never know what can happen in this dangerous colony running security ***she said sarcastically***  
**Shepard:** Guess it's nothing like the alliance, you regret retiring with me?  
**Ashley:** I regret nothing, now please drink *** she said hiding her evil smile***  
**Shepard:** Ash, you don't have to get me drunk to sleep with you ***Laughing***  
**Ashley: *She gave him a soft punch on his shoulde**r* oh if you don't want to drink, I'll just take this back ***she tried to reach for his beer***  
**Shepard: *shepard moved his beer closer to him*** was just teasing you ash.  
**Shepard drank his beer and it had the worst taste ever. He just spit it out all over the floor, while Ashley was laughing.**  
**Ashley:** What's the matter, bad taste?  
**Shepard:** what the hell ash, was that syrup.  
**Ashley: **Among other things ***she said still laughing***  
**Shepard:** Why, I thought this was over.  
**Ashley: **After what you did to my hair, it's not over Intel I win.  
**Shepard:** that was six months ago ash.  
**Ashley:** I told you I get my revenge.  
**Shepard:** yeah, yeah good one. ***he said getting off the couch heading towards the kitchen* **Is this over now.  
**Ashley:** ***Ashley raised her hand* **scouts honor skipper.  
**Shepard reached for one of his hidden beers, knowing Ashley couldn't have messed with it. he gave it a quick junk. It had the same taste. **  
**Ashley:** Oh yeah, I was never a scout** *she said standing behind him*** Now you want me to make some pancakes for old times' sake.  
**Shepard:** fine, but I'm watching you every step of the way.  
**Ashley:** But John, won't you miss the game?  
**Shepard:** It's better than being poisoned.  
**  
Shepard was mad that Ashley used his own beer against him, he swore he would get here back. The cease fire was over.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Another one has been added to the forums and is now here.**

**Part 7**

**Shepard walks into a local food store on his way home from the school he currently teaches at. Not trusting Ashley's cooking for a while, he has been eating out quiet abet these past few days. The Clerk on the counter** **takes Shepard's credit chit after Shepard places his usual order.**  
**Clerk:** I'm sorry sir, but your chit has been declined  
**Shepard:**Your machine must be broken, try it again  
**Clerk:** The machine ran the transaction 10 tries before it gave up, I'm sorry.  
**Shepard:**It's fine, I'll just go then

**Shepard calls a technician to figure out the problem.**  
**Tech:** How may I help you today ***the tech said in a friendly voice***  
**Shepard:** Yes my credit chit was decline, may I know why?  
**Tech:**One moment please...The chit was blocked by another user  
**Shepard:**WHAT! who could do such a thing? is that even allowed?  
**Tech:**It was blocked by your wife sir, and yes that is allowed. Your account is bound with hers, so she has every right the block the account.  
**Shepard:** Fine, i guess that's all for now, thank you  
**Tech:** You're very welcome sir, have a nice day ***The tech then cut the call***

**Shepard Heads straight home, making it there before Ashley was off of her shift. Entering the empty house, he heads straight to the kitchen. Because he wasn't able to get any food, thanks to Ash's prank. He Hasn't eaten since before he left to work this morning. He now enters the kitchen in disbelief of what he's currently seeing. The table is full of pancakes (what the hell) he thought to himself. He Opens all the cabinets to reveal nothing but pancake mix and syrup. Shepard Now hears laughing coming from behind him, he turns to see Ashley.**  
**Shepard:** Ash? what is all this?  
**Ashley:** Isn't it obvious John?  
**Shepard:** Yes, I can see they're pancakes, but why?  
**Ashley:** Because John, you have been doing nothing for the past weeks then stuffing your mouth with all those local fast food places.  
**Shepard:** Is that why you canceled my access to OUR credit chit?  
**Ashley:** Shepard, if your going to stuff your face with food. It's going to be with the food I cook. You're Not going to get fat on my watch.  
**Shepard:**Ash, Then what's with all the pancakes.  
**Ashley:** Oh, it ends here. where it all started.  
**Shepard:** I'm not quiet getting it.  
**Ashley:** You're going to eat all these pancakes.  
**Shepard:** WHAT? Are you trying to poison me again.  
**Ashley:** John, there's no prank involved here. Either you finish all these pancakes, or there will be nothing but more pranks from here on now.  
**Shepard:** You got to be kidding ash, there has to be at least a hundred pancakes here.  
**Ashley:** Well then, you better get started. Don't worry, you have all week to finish them.  
**Shepard:** You know ash, I would have never started eating out, if you hadn't been food poisoning me all this time.  
**Ashley:** Yes skipper, because I did that every day.***talking sarcastically*** I know when to stop, but you don't know when to stop eating fatty foods it would seem.  
**Shepard:** OK OK, so we can call it even now...right ***comes up to Ashley giving her the deal making kiss***  
**Ashley:**As much as I enjoyed that, you're not giving off that easily. now start eating.  
**Shepard:** You got to be kidding me, you're evil sometimes you know that.** *sees ash eating some pancakes, ignoring shepard*** Ash? what are you doing.  
**Ashley:** What I'm hungry. I didn't say I wouldn't help you eat them you know ***Laughs***


End file.
